Wish you could go back in time? Boy, I sure do. Well now you can!
Introducing the new E-Z Portal 9000!
Offered here for the first time on television!
Why waste your time and money on old fashioned remedies like therapy or drinking yourself into a stupor. They simply don’t work. How many times are you going to have to apologize for your mistakes? Do you wish you could go back in time to change things, but you don’t know how? Now there’s a way to wash away your sins with the E-Z Portal 9000. Go back in time and change who you married. Go back and change how you voted. Play the stock market and become rich. The E-Z Portal makes it so easy!
Let’s watch as John demonstrates how easy it is to use the new E-Z Portal 9000. There he is, out in his backyard mowing the grass, the same grass that he’s mowed over and over again. He regrets the thousands of hours he’s wasted over the years cutting grass that he knows is just going to grow back again anyway. He’s fed up but what’s he supposed to do? There has to be a better way!
Watch as John removes the E-Z Portal 9000 from its attractive carrying case, included free at no additional charge. See how he places the Portal on the grass and, before you know it, a tunnel appears right before his eyes leading to his past.
John looks through the tunnel and sees himself when he was a boy, cutting the exact same grass over forty years ago. If only he had known then what he knows now!
“Burn the damn lawn!” John yells out to a startled little Johnny.
[CAUTION: Read all instructions before using. Side effects include sudden heart failure and possible jail time.]
John was able to wash away over forty years of wasted time cutting his grass in the blink of an eye. And now you can too! We’ll even include with every order the pocket-sized Demon Extractor at no additional cost. Simply pay separate handling and shipping charges.
Is your cat possessed? Does it attack defenseless furniture for no apparent reason? The Demon Extractor can stop this unwanted behavior. Simply attach the Extractor to your cat with the enclosed, reusable stick pads, and your cat will receive a gentle zap-zap-zap every time it misbehaves. Your cat is guaranteed to start behaving differently the very same day.
But wait, there’s more! Order in the next ten minutes and we’ll double your order!
You heard that right, order now and you’ll received two E-Z Portal 9000s for the price of one! Just pay separate shipping and handling.
You can go back as far as you like. You pick the date and time! That’s right, with the E-Z Portal 9000 it’s never been easier to go back in time and fix whatever it is that needs fixing.
So what are you waiting for? Call 1-800-GET-PORT. That’s 1-800-GET-PORT. Operators are standing by. 1-800-GET-PORT.
[Must be 18 years of age or older. Portal cannot be used to go back in time to cancel your order to avoid payment. Other restrictions apply.]